The Cynics Guide To Becoming An Internet Marketer
Copyright 2006 Richard Adams
Starting out in Internet marketing is very much like taking
drugs. The only difference is that marketing can be far
less rewarding and dangerous for your health, and tends to
cost an aweful lot more.
Like drugs, Internet marketing can be highly addictive and
can start to comsume your life so much that you can start
to forget to do other normal things - like washing, feeding
the dog or picking up your credit card after you've bought
groceries at the store.
Just as a drug addict has his pipes, lighters, syringes and
so on, so do Internet marketers have their accessories -
most notably a computer.
This may be either a desktop - so called because it is used
on a desk. Or a laptop - so called because it's also used
on a desk because it becomes so hot within moments of
turning it on that it will take the skin off your legs if
you tried using it on your lap.
Remember - a lap is either something done by a lycra-clan
athlete at the Olympics or a pvc-clad dancer in a seedy bar.
Neither involves burned thighs (except maybe friction burns
if someone gets carried away at the seedy bar).
There are two important pieces of software every Internet
marketer needs on his or her computer.
The first is an email client so you can receive spam,
viruses and ezines about how much better than you everyone
else is doing.
The other is an Internet browser. This is a device for
viewing popup windows, and allowing your partner to see
you've really been looking at porn all evening rather than
finishing off that report from work you told her about.
Parental controls are of course available to limit what can
be viewed online but generally the parents soon get annoyed
with the limitations so their children have to unlock it.
The latest tool in the arsenal of the Internet marketer is
the blog, which can be defined as a piece of software
designed, when used properly, to get you banned by Google
as quickly as possible. Ideally within a few weeks. Days is
a real achievement and should be celebrated by sending our
a slew of spam emails.
Internet marketers live a strange double-life working
during the day at their job and running their business at
night, hoping some day to be able to quit the job
The problem is that if and when this finally does happen
you won't have an excuse to take your secretary out to
dinner and might actually have to converse with your
partner - however distateful it may seem to you right now.
Some marketers try to merge their two lives - sneakily
reading Internet marketing information at the office when
they should be doing their job. If you opt to do this just
make sure you don't do something silly like putting the PDF
about "How To Fire Your Boss" in his intray, while the new
sales figures get taken home for your bedtime reading.
Indeed the best definition of a newbie Internet marketer is
someone who spends all day slogging their guts out at a job
they hate to earn a few dollars, only to come home and
spend the entire night on the Internet getting fleeced for
it by people smarter than themselves.
It's a sad fact that newbie Internet marketers come in only
two styles - those with money to burn and those who have
been in the game for more than a few days.
Indeed it's not long before you find yourself working twice
as hard as you ever did before you got into marketing and
ending up with half the money you had before.
It's a bit like going out with Paris Hilton as opposed to
the ugly fat bird with the lisp and the lazy eye that you
see down your street sometimes (generally known as your
One day, after all your efforts and investments, you'll
receive one of those delicious emails all we experts
received once upon a time telling you that you've just made
You'll be leaping and jumping around the house like a
madman, whooping and yelling with excitement at having
spent the last 3 months of your life and half your annual
salary to finally get a commission of $1.22.
That is, of course, until you wake up the baby, who wakes
up your partner, who after a lengthy and heated discussion
about responsibility, thinking of others, getting up in the
morning and other equally dull and pointless topics will
give you the silent treatment for the next week to try and
teach you a lesson.
This, however, has the opposite effect as it gives you even
more time to spend on the Internet as you don't have to try
and look interested in talking to your partner.
Unfortunately the edge is slightly taken off the excitement
about your commission when the order is refunded two hours
later as it was made with a stolen credit card. Even worse
when you discover it was the one that you left in the
grocery store just hours before...
About the Author:
Richard Adams is the founder of Merchant Account Forum, the
world's most-visited site on the topic of how to accept
credit cards for your business. Visit him today at: